HORROR STORY

THE SCARIEST TALE EVER TOLD:

This story may make you wet yourself.  This story may make you want to curl up in a ball in the corner of the room.  This story is one of the scariest stories ever told.  Be warned that you may go insane from reading this horrifying tale.  There once was a young boy named Jon.  Jon was no older than 16.  Jon was scared to death of authority and authority figures.  It had been that was since he was a little kid.  Whenever there was an adult, a teacher, a store clerk, a police officer, or anyone older than him in the same room as him, Jon would be unable to be ardent and he would just shut down.  People thought that Jon’s reaction to authority figures was superfluous or weird.  But one day Jon’s reactions would be the near end of him.  Jon was walking home alone with a hoodie on.  A police officer pulled up beside him and said he looked like a gang shooting suspect who had just been seen in the area.  Jon immediately froze up because of his fear, and the police officer was not happy with that. “Why aren’t you responding boy?” he asked Jon, but Jon remained silent.  “Alright, come here you punk you’re under arrest!” The cop approached Jon, then proceded to beat him, cuff him, and take him down to the police station.  Jon was frightened as all hell.  The police officer left him in a dank interrogation room for hours with two other police officers constantly grilling them.  Jon was crying profusely and he ended up soiling himself because he was just so scared.  Then the worst thing that could possibly happen happened.  Jon began to have a panic attack.  He could only take so much before his fears took hold of him and harmed him.  The police officers thought this was just a tactic for Jon to get out of the room so they ignored him.  Jon couldn’t catch his breath.  He began turning blue.  “Very convincing, but we aren’t buying it” said one of the police officers.  Jon collapsed on the floor.  Jon had died from his fear of authority figures.  If he had just been able to talk when the police officer talked to him earlier, he would not have gone to the dank interrogation room and Jon would still be alive today.  Fear is a powerful thing.

SLIGHTLY RACIST ONION ARTICLE (IT WOULD BE IN THE ONION. IM NOT RACIST!)

POPE: JEWS NOT RESPONSIBLE IN DEATH OF JESUS CHRIST

Today at the Vatican, the Pope declared that no longer should the Jewish people be blamed for the death of the Christian savior, Jesus Christ.  The pope proudly stood on the balcony and proclaimed to the crowds below, “Today, I declare that no longer shall Christians blame the Jews for the death of Jesus.  Come on guys, can we really blame them?  I mean we have Mel Gibson, so I think we’re pretty equal.  We should just drop it and not blame the Jews anymore.  Come on guys!”  When asked his opinion on what the Pope declared, John Jacobstein said, “This is an historic day.  Finally, I can walk down the street without someone yelling ‘Hey! You killed Jesus!’ I will be outside much more now.”  Many people question the Pope’s declaration.  Mel Gibson is leading the front of “THE P.R.I.C.K.S.”(The Pope Is Crazy Kill Semites).  THE P.R.I.C.K.S are a group of self-proclaimed bible experts who believe their interpretation of the bible and pretty much everything else is better than anyone else’s.  THE P.R.I.C.K.S. intend to make sure that everyone hears their intolerant, close-minded, idiotic ideas and that everyone believes them.  We interviewed Mr. Smith, a common sense expert, and his response to THE P.R.I.C.K.S. was “What the fuck is this?! The fuck are these guys thinking?! Are they trying to make Americans look like ignorant dumbasses?  These people are the epitome of our global society.”  Clearly common sense is not one of the ideals of THE P.R.I.C.K.S.  Jews everywhere are celebrating the good news despite THE P.R.I.C.K.S.  They are all going out to temple, shopping thriftily, and managing peoples money free of charge.  Clearly the Jewish community is ecstatic about what the Pope has declared.  Some believe that this is just a campaign tactic that the Pope is using for his Presidential Candidacy in 2012.  To check out the current status of THE P.R.I.C.K.S., the Jews, or the Pope’s Presidential Candidacy, go to the website “POPEFORPREZ.ORG” or “WEARETHEPRICKS.COM” We asked a local stoner what he thought about this whole situation, and his reply was “Whoa man that blows my mind!” followed by some undeterminable muttering that only the words GOD, DORITOS, BUBBLER, LEGALIZE, and TOFU could be clearly heard.  My editor insists that I have a minimum of 400 words in this article so to wrap this article up, I shall include a bunch of meaningless words that don’t relate at all to this article in any way.